OTHER
EXPERTS:
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Trying
to get my act together
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I realized halfway through Thanksgiving dinner that
nobody in my family was speaking to me. Normally that wouldn't be a
surprise, but the tone of their silence spoke volumes.
"So, why are you all mad at me now?" I said to no one in particular. "Is it something I said in last week's picks?" "Are you even seeing your shrink any more?" my Dad asked. "More than you know," I said looking down at my mashed potatos. "You were awfully mean to your neighbor Paul in last week's picks," said my Mom, who was nice enough to invite Dad to dinner this year. "We didn't like that. We have friends who read your picks, you know." "I'm sorry. But there's a lot of pressure with my job, and I cracked a little last week. Ok?" "Pressure? What pressure do you have?" my brother the mortgage broker asked. "Well, there are no more bye weeks so I had to pick 16 games last week. You know how long that takes?" "Maybe an hour?" my brother said. "Well, no. 45 minutes. But still, it's a hard 45 minutes. Plus it's the NFL and upsets are everywhere. And there are injuries. And there are playoff implications. And there are coaches on the hot seat. And there are players on their contract years. And there are passionate fans with passionate opinions about their teams. I mean, there's a lot more than just sitting down and making a few picks. People don't understand how hard it is. How draining it is. Sometimes it takes me a few days to recover from the grueling process." "You need help," my brother said. "You need to get your act together." "Oh yeah?" I said looking him the eyes. "Well, you need to pass the stuffing." Some quick reader mail from last week: I'm fine with your picks as long as they continue to be right, but my inquiry is about your name. Someone with the last name Nesbitt coached our college frisbee team in Maryland. Was that your brother? ¡ª Meatwad Meatwad: Yes, that was my brother and not a day goes by where we don't make fun of him for coaching a college Frisbee team. Like watching someone fall off their bike, it never gets old.
Editors note: This next one is about picking the Colts over the Bengals. That is the worst pick ever. The Bengals are obviously better than the colts. True the colts have a better record, but the Bengals have the better team clearly. Bengals 35 Indy 21 ¡ª Kip Kip: All valid points, sir, except, that is, for the one about it being the worst pick ever, the one about the Bengals being better than the Colts, and the one about the Bengals clearly having the better team. Besides those, however, you really blew me away with your insight. Fine work! So inspired by the Bucs' decision to go for two points and the win last week rather than settling for the tie and overtime, a friend of mine decided it was time to finally quit reading your pics and give up that they will ever be funny..... me too. ¡ª Doug Doug: My boss said the same thing last week ... and I don't think he was kidding. OK, on to the picks: Miami at Oakland: If a tie is like kissing your sister, then losing to the Browns 22-0 as the Dolphins did last week is like being kicked in the groin by your sister. Raiders 27, Dolphins 9. Carolina at Buffalo: The Panthers used to have a pair of cheerleaders who could have put up more of a fight than Carolina did last week against Chicago. Panthers 20, Bills 10. Baltimore at Cincinnati: The Bengals are great at beating awful teams. It's the good ones that give them fits. Bengals 30, Ravens 10. St. Louis at Houston: What will we see first, a new episode of The Sopranos or a Texans' victory? Rams 17, Texans 13. Cleveland at Minnesota: Finally we can talk about a Johnson (Brad) making some noise in Minnesota and it has nothing to do with a late-night boat ride. Vikings 23, Browns 17. Atlanta at Detroit: Jeff Garcia will replace Joey Harrington early in the game, but the Lions will still be embarrassed at home. Falcons 27, Lions 7. Chicago at Tampa Bay: If you had told me four months ago that the Bears would be in first place this late in the season I would have kicked you in the knee and hit on your girlfriend. Bears 24, Bucs 20. New England at Kansas City: Nicole Richie's cheeks have more depth than the Patriots' secondary does. Chiefs 31, Patriots 20. San Francisco at Tennessee: I think I'd rather have strep throat for a month than be forced to watch this disaster. 49ers 27, Titans 23. San Diego at Washington: A friend of mine asked me who I thought was funnier, Clinton Portis or Carrot Top. I answered by politely asking my friend to leave my house. Chargers 34, Redskins 13. Denver at Dallas: Ron Dayne will have a big game, including a long run late that will set up a game-winning field goal by Jason Elam. Broncos 27, Cowboys 24 OT.
Jacksonville at Arizona: If Kurt Warner's monster performance last week in St. Louis taught us anything, it's that God really likes Kurt Warner. Cardinals 20, Jaguars 17. Green Bay at Philadelphia: I can't help but feel bad for Eagles fans. I mean why should such a nice group of people be forced to watch their team's season go down the drain so quickly. Sometimes life just isn't fair, is it? Eagles 13, Packers 10. New York Giants at Seattle: A friend of mine offered me $100 if I could name one guy on the Seahawks' defense. I could have really used that cash. Giants 31, Seahawks 17. New Orleans at New York Jets (Sunday night): Not even ESPN sideline reporter Suzy Kolber can get excited about this doozy and that's saying A LOT, considering a bowl of cereal can make her go into hysterics. Jets 13, Saints 3 Pittsburgh at Indianapolis: Just a few more wins for the Colts and the 1972 Dolphins will be like the 2004 Dolphins: irrelevant. Colts 27, Steelers 13. Andy Nesbitt is an editor at FOXSports.com |
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